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18th September 2007
there's few times when i remember that i still have this journal. it's a strange feeling to look back at something i had written a year ago just to realize that once again, i'm in the same place, and dealing with the same issues that hindered me over twelve months ago. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. So much has changed in the last year, and I wish I could say for the better. I don't mean that no good has come of it, but I feel like I've lost a lot of important people through out this last stretch. It's a shame to see how some friendships end up. I can only hope better for the rest of them. How do we deal with such drastic changes? I'm trying to do my best with it. It is difficult to imagine even a year from now. I have a lot of decision making to do this winter. :
This fall should bring some good times.
Trips to milwaukee
Trips to beloit
Hot apple Cider
Sophie's new place
1st October 2006
plans are in motion, life is taking strides. in a few days i will have my own home.
20th August 2006
COME ONE COME ALL
The Esoteric (ex coalesce l Prosthetic Records)
Mouth of the Architect (Ex: Botch, Mastadon)
15 N. Hickory Ave, Arlington Heights, IL 60004,US -
10th August 2006
Movin' on up
I got the job! Medical assistant for an eye doctor that travels to nursing homes. 10/hr, 40 hrs a week, plus health benefits after 3 months. definatly a load off. move in date Oct 1'st!
21st July 2006
uninspired these days... :
maybe it's the rainy weather that puts me in these moods, maybe its the last few weeks of working hellish hours at a job i'm more than done with, maybe i'm just scared for the future... maybe i'm just scared in general. where to go from here? everything that was once close seems very distant, maybe this is the reality that resides behind the shroud of optimism. i need to move, move on, start a life for myself, have some consistency, stability. my faith in people is certainly struggling at this point, it makes it hard to imagine how life will end up in the next few years. i dont know what i'm so worried about.
2nd June 2006
is finally here, i have a lot of plans for the next few months; :
star gazing trip
finish my resume and get it out to some hospitals (if you know of any open positions in chicago hit me up)
find a new job and get up some loot
move to chicago with michelle
read some books
get as much quality time in with my friends while i have the free time
check out chicago schools and pick one for next semester
build my moped
if all goes well this summer will be really productive. the last few weeks have been sweet, i'm looking foward to the upcoming months, especially moving out and finding a new job, i think the city life will do me good, i'm done with the suburbs, everything is far away feels really disconnected out here, it's a little too easy to fade away and get caught up in the routine, the suburbs are a breeding ground for consumers, i have more to look foward to than that.
25th April 2006
There's no better feeling
than when you open a refrigerator and see a half gallon of chocolate silk waiting for you.
13th March 2006
i think i caught the sars :
or maybe avian flu
i've been in and out of my mind the last week due to the sickness.
i hate being sick
3rd February 2006
What happened to the times? :
It feels like someone hit the fast foward button on my life, through the good and bad moments of my best years, and suddenly reality slammed into slow motion, this moment is the longest yet, day and night, school and responsibility consume every minute, time spans increase by the week with every breath, it's been so long since i've felt like the person i used to know, i've been expelled from my own era, all i have to look foward to are the moments soon to pass, and reflect on the memories. I'm always thinking about the people i've lost touch with, i wish there was more time, i wish that growing up didnt mean making that ultimate sacrifice, but let it be said that i wouldnt be who i am without all of you playing some role in my life, no regrets. I'm learning a lot about life nowadays, i'm going to school to be a pediatrician, i cant think of anything else that would be so amazing, and i owe that to a select few who have encouraged me to find myself and realize my own potential, i hope you know who you are.
That's all i have for now, i hope to see a lot of you real soon.
6th January 2006
i am an idiot...
today i realized my unfailing tendency to get caught in the moment and make a total ass out of my self. sorry for those of you who constantly suffer the blatant idiocy of my bad decisions. :
step 1, define the problem
step 2, find the solution
step 3, stop being retarted
2nd January 2006
HAPPY NEW YEARS!
Partied at isu this weekend. Brought in the new year with some good ass people, i never see enough of you fools. :
I wish i could have seen more of you, it seems like the quality times are getting more and more scarce these days.
29th December 2005
and looking for a different job, hopefully one that pays well. Any suggestions?
15th November 2005
case dismissed, :
me-1 lake county p.d-0
7th November 2005
someone break me out...
living in mt. prospect is like being stuck in a giant bubble. i am going crazy.
14th September 2005
my life as of late...
Dave is gone, my body can no longer afford to be vegan. word.
9th September 2005
Help Ban Foie Gras in Chicago :
Out of concern for the misery of ducks and geese in the production of
foie gras, Alderman Joseph Moore has proposed an ordinance to ban
foie gras in Chicago restaurants. You can help make the ordinance a
reality by attending the City Council hearing where it will be
Date: September 13, 2005
Time: 9 a.m.
Location: City Hall, Chicago, Illinois
Foie gras birds are confined and force-fed large amounts of grain
through a pump-driven tube. The birds frequently suffer injuries from
the tubes, and their livers swell painfully to many times the normal
size. Moore describes this process as "completely distasteful" and
Besides attending the hearing, you can also help by letting Moore and
the other aldermen know that you agree that abusing
animals should be taken off the menu, and encouraging them to support
the ordinance to ban foie gras in Chicago.
Contact Joseph Moore (Ward 49) at 773-338-5796 or
You can learn more about foie gras production athttps://community.hsus.org/ct/yd1x50n1azbQ/
29th June 2005
life in mt. prospect
is getting played out. :
life is slowly getting more awkward and redundant.
someone should remind me whats its like to have fun without getting high again.
i am slowly running out of things to talk about.
16th June 2005
i started work this week, and i think i deserve a loooong weekend.
3rd June 2005
serve and protect, serve and infect, violate and disrespect
so i live with my parents again, my second time moving back home, but this time with more debt. Life is so unsure, i feel lost most of the time, and it seems the only way to stabilize things is through compromise. It seems like everyone else has it so much easier, but in reality, noone does, and i just dont want to deal with the responsibility that it takes to be on my own and keep up with my finances, which in all fairness, noone should really have to. I hate the world the way it is. I hate being stuck with bills, i hate that i havent done anything productive in a long time, but instead of helping anyone or anything, i have to slave away and find some source of income to pay for some bullshit fees. i just got 2 tickets, on top of everything else, 2 $50 dollar tickets, for parking, not just one, but two, which will double if i dont pay them in a month, not only did the fuckers feel a need to fine me for parking for an hour, but also for not having renewed my "state registration." its not like we pay enough for insurance, village registration, tolls, gas taxes ect... maybe they should ask themselves why i didnt pay for new plate stickers, possibly cause i'm broke as fuck? but no,now on top of spending my last pay check on insurance and registration, i now have to pay another 100 (or should i say 12.5 hours of my life) on bullshit parking tickets. i hate the police system, it makes it really hard to not generalize, i'm tired of crossing paths with these corrupt tax collectors. a traffic stop is nothing more than a shakedown, these money grubbing assholes are out for nothing more than revenue, with the facade of "public safety" when in reality these fools are nothing more than hoods with matching attire. Theres no point in saying this, noone's going to do, or can do anything about it, i used to buy into the power of the indidvidual, but that seems to be nothing more than a dream, kinda like freedom. i realize that there must be punishments, and, ok, that nothing would be able to operate if everyone just left their cars wherever they wanted, but, did i really need 2 tickets? all these fools are doing is holding me back. I'm trying my best to avoid trouble, i have never done anything to intentionaly hurt someone, i dont really think that I'm a bad person, but it seems no matter what i do, i always run into some problem with the police. I'm sorry i left the straight and narrow and tried to figure shit out on my own, apparently thats illegal now. i guess this is all a part of growing up, which is i guess is what makes it so hard, because growing up means leaving your ideals behind for reason and fear, and i guess ultimitley submitting to the political system, and i couldnt think of a more worthless life than that, which unfortunatly is the life lived by our entire population. It's hard when you come to such a realization, it's either be a "fuck up" with morals, or a successful, law abiding scumfuck who lives at the expense of those put under us thanks to our success as a capitalist economy. i can't think of anything more unfair, now i'm at the point where if i dont choose a path next thing i know i'll be 30 and still living with my parents in the same situation, being a waste of potential. i dont know how to live the life they want me to, and i guess that's what it comes down to. and because of that we're outlaws. who deserves the punishment? is the problem not so blatantly obvious to the rest of the world? or is this just my uneducated view? or am i being ignorant? maybe if i had absolutly everything i could have ever wanted my entire life my opinion would be different. and i'm complaining, which is what confuses me, being a priveleged white american male, i have a lot more than most of the world. maybe my discontent is rooted there. because i could only imagine what it would be like without my privelages. i dont want any of what's been givin to me my whole life, but now that i've been on my own and failed, i realize how much i "need" it all. and that's fucked up. i guess the only way to make something positive of it is to make full use of what's been given to me. but it's hard to not lose hope in trying to make a change, as everyone who has tryed in the past have failed. and those people were more than i could ever be. i could care less about security, and a good job, but the system is set up as to fuck over anyone who tries to break away from it. so where is the acceptable compromise? i guess adulthood is finding a place between both sides, or bullshitting their way through a professional life before they can stand on their own two feet, and by then most people dont want to risk all that they've worked for to better the world. so when, and how is change going to come? we're all set in a place where we have it too good, and dont know how to live without our comforts, and the biggest fear instilled in us is to lose what we know. i'm having the hardest time of my life right now, why? because i dont have the privelege of going out and spending my money however i please. i dont understand how my mind works, i desire everything i hate. i think a lot how much i wish that i had grown up in to 60's, when people actually joined in and stood for something, and made some change, but what are the hippies doing now? wearing suits and working in an office. is that my fate? i think that's what holds me back the most. we've been raised by a generation of failures in a sense who have taught us that financial success comes first, morals come second. maybe thats the way it works, i dont know anymore. i've been called young for sharing my ideals, which are all that make sense to me, but how can a person live to follow them when their views are a joke to everyone else. it seems like all i can do is work and educate myself before i can do anything to make progress, or smoke pot and wait for someone to wage a war, then join the ranks. anyway, that's a little of whats's been goint through my head. I miss seeing a lot of people, sorry if i've been illusive, but i'm trying to straighten my shit out, but i wouldnt mind hearing back from everyone. much love.
1st June 2005
best night ever. :
so i am going to drive a truck for the summer, fuck all y'all
14th May 2005
i swear to never touch a bottle of rum again. :
so i got arrested last night for shoplifting, and i must say, i would rather deal with waukeegan police any day over county pigs.
8th May 2005
my family is crazy..... :
fuck hallmark holidays and their false expectations.
i was useless all day today, except for police drama last night was awesome,
happy birthday mike
29th April 2005
Hey, I'm having a cookout this sunday may 1st at my parents house in mt. prospect for my birthday, so come hangout, call me for more details 847-414-3715